88 Things

Great Blue Heron

Thanks to Tracy Berna, I now have something to write about on my About Page.

1. I have had many brushes with fame, such as:
2. Once I almost had a date with Andy Kaufman.
3. I used to date Frank Zappa’s cousin.
4. I once rode in the front seat of a car with Paul Newman.
5. I’ve had a nice conversation in an elevator with Kirk Douglas.
6. I rode in that same elevator with Harrison Ford.
7. I drove Myrna Loy to the Joey Bishop Show.
8. Nipsy Russell once said, “Hi, beautiful!” to me.
9. My first husband was Bob Dylan’s high school best friend.
10. Actors Larry Storch, Joel Grey and comedian Dick Shawn [who died on stage a year later] all stared at me lustfully [on separate occasions] after I spent three years and thousands of dollars losing weight and making myself over. You tend to remember lustful stares when you’ve had so few.
11. Other famous sightings include: Yoko Ono, Liza Minelli, Carroll O’Conner, Mr. T, The Hulk, Ron Howard, Jayne Mansfield, Don Ameche, Jill St. John, Tom Selleck, Robert Hayes, and more I can’t remember.
12. I’ve discovered that fame doesn’t rub off. There are no benefits to meeting famous people other than dubious bragging rights.
13. My mother’s middle name was George because she was supposed to be a boy.
14. My first name was supposed to be Genevieve after my aunt, but then I was born on my uncle Lynn’s birthday so my middle name is Lynne. I have no idea why they didn’t name me Genevieve Lynne, but I am So. Glad. OTOH, LaVonne Lynne Lambert is not a name you want to have. Say it fast three times. Maybe that’s why I could never tolerate watching Tom Brokaw deliver the news. Have you heard him pronounce his L’s? Gah.
15. Which reminds me – I met Tom Brokaw at a Radio and TV News Directors convention when I was barely starting out in radio back in ’78? ’79? Something like that. I mentioned that he should do a story about a strange new phenomena I’d noticed in the West: survivalists. “What’s that?” he asked, and I explained that they were people who stocked up on food and ammo in preparation for war. “You should pitch us that story,” he said. “Me? I’m in radio!” “Doesn’t matter. Pitch it.” I wish I had.
16. Back to Aunt Genevieve: she got sleeping sickness [what those catatonic patients in Awakenings had] at the age of twelve, and died 25 years later.
17. I remember being introduced to her as she sat in her bed when I was three years old.
18. I thought she was Jesus.
19. My aunt’s illness prompted my grandmother to become a Christian Scientist, a decision that still affects my life–and probably my sons’ lives [though they never even heard of Aunt Genevieve], lo, these eighty years later.
20. Growing up in Christian Science was an odd experience, mainly because other kids treated me like a freak. I was often cornered on the playground and asked questions like, “What would you do if you broke your leg?” I’d go to a doctor, stupid.
21. Yes, we had to pray when we got sick–not to ask God to make us better but to persuade ourselves that our illness wasn’t real.
22. No, it didn’t work. At least not for me.
23. I quit going to church when I turned sixteen.
24. I decided I didn’t want to be a Christian Scientist [or a Christian] any more when I was nineteen.
25. That was right around the time I went to a doctor for the first time — five months pregnant.
26. That was a shock, to both me and the doc.
27. Then I got all my shots that I’d been exempted from at school because of my religion.
28. I wanted to be famous from an early age thanks to many hours of television viewing as a latchkey child.
29. I started working at age twelve in my mother’s diner and worked as a waitress in one place or another until I was 31.
30. I knew I would kill myself if I was still a waitress by 35, so I borrowed money from my mother and went to radio school.
31. Somehow, I wound up a correspondent for ABC News before I turned 36. Thank you, affirmative action!
32. My claim to fame among New York broadcast journalists, those who remember me from the 80s, is that I was the Correspondent Who Married a Drug Addict.
33. I appeared on the Donahue show in a segment about women who’ve been shafted by men.
34. Donahue did a follow-up show with my ex.
35. The whole experience was horribly embarrassing and I regret it thoroughly, but sometimes I show the tape to friends for a laugh.
36. Well, not any more.
37. My ex died a sad, miserable death a few months years ago.
38. I stopped hating him a long time ago, but the feelings are still mixed.
39. I once believed that fame makes you real – a perversion of The Velveteen Rabbit theme that love makes you real. Guess I equated fame with love. Sad.
40. I felt like a failure when my radio career fizzled and I had to give up all hope of achieving fame.
41. So I started Bornfamous.com, expecting to be an Internet Star.
42. Somehow that didn’t happen either.
43. I don’t feel like a failure any more since I started reading about Buddhism and finally GOT, deep down, that none of that stuff matters. What a relief.
44. What really turned my life around was a guy named Bo Lozoff and his book, We’re All Doing Time. Highly recommended.
45. Now I’m trying to stop watching so much TV and reading Hollywood gossip. That crap just distracts us from the real problems we need to face about ourselves and our world.
46. I’m also trying to stop swearing, even in my thoughts. It’s not easy. ["Shit, I just thought, Fuck!"]
47. I quit drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and pot when I got pregnant in 1987. I didn’t start again [well, except for the pot] after the baby was born.
48. I had my last joint in January, 1990. I still miss it, and often joke that I will start again when I’m in a nursing home, but I won’t because where would I get it? Truthfully, I won’t because I want to keep my mind clear.
49. I traded my pot and cigarette addictions for food, and gained back all the weight I lost twenty years ago–and then some.
50. I am now 100 75 pounds overweight.
51. At least I’m eating healthier now: organic, sugar-free and whole foods as much as possible. But still.
52. Fat or skinny, I have never liked the way I look, much like a huge percentage of American women.
53. In an effort to get healthy from the inside out, I started doing yoga eight years ago but still struggle most of that time with developing a daily practice.
54. Now I’m doing yoga every day, and meditation. It feels good. I hope it will eventually help me figure out this food thing.
55. I’ve been married four times. [The Drug Addict--see above--was number four.]
56. Two of my marriages were green card weddings.
57. I started to write a screenplay about the first green card marriage, but then the movie “Green Card” came out and it seemed pointless. Too bad; it was a good story. The marriage? Not so good.
58. I can’t imagine ever getting married again. I’m too, shall we say, set in my ways.
59. I wish I was witty and entertaining like my favorite bloggers, dooce, C. Monks and Twisty, but I’m not. Hence, the lack of traffic.
60. I thought I could make some extra money with blogging but apparently you have to work way too hard in order to succeed. Kind of like IRL [In Real Life].
61. I’ve never been good at the hard work thing, though I worked hard when the job was interesting but then it didn’t seem like work.
62. My grandmother used to tell me I was lazy and she was right.
63. I have a love/hate relationship my laziness. I love to lay around and do nothing but then I hate myself for being so lazy.
64. One of the things that “clicked” for me about Buddhism is that the whole point is to do nothing. That I can do!
65. Ah, but the trick is that you do have to do the stuff I’ve always hated to do, the daily stuff of mindfully taking care of your life. You’re just supposed to be thinking about nothing while you’re doing it. Make up your mind, Buddha.
66. I have two kids–born 22 YEARS apart. Yes, I gave birth to both of them.
67. My sons are named Christopher and Robin. I had not yet read “Winnie the Pooh” and it was NOT on purpose.
68. I have a favorite fork and a favorite spoon.
69. I have many forks and spoons which I dislike and use only when my favorites aren’t available.
70. I know how strange that sounds but you wouldn’t like these forks and spoons either, trust me. Why I don’t just get rid of them and get some new ones that I like is beyond me. Wait — I know:
71. I am compulsively frugal cheap.

There are supposed to be 88 things about me here, but I’m running dry just now. I’ll add more stuff from time to time, so do come back!

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