Bornfamous

I’m always working, or thinking about working, on something about myself. Trying to lose weight, regain my health, grow a garden, do daily yoga/meditation, write some articles, help some other sick people, be a better housekeeper, get organized–I have so many goals and dreams. And when I stop fixating on myself for a moment–when my friends ask me if my son’s girlfriend is still living here, for instance, and has she got a job yet, and why isn’t my son in school?–I become obsessed with fixing the mess in the other room. But that’s another post.

Let’s get back to me.

It’s a very American trait, this self-improvement kick, good in many ways but it can also be a distraction from actual living. If we’re so busy with constant self-improvement, how can we be open to the real lessons of life? Eek–

I don’t know, I certainly didn’t plan on waxing philosophic when I started writing this. There’s something about the act of writing that brings out my pompous side, sorry. Good grief. I just wanted to talk about my various projects and try using this blog as a motivational tool, see if that helps.

Okay. So the problem is that I’m sick. Chronic fatigue, chronic pain, migraines, ad nauseum. [Fortunately, the nauseum part is only occasionally.] Very boring. That’s a major reason why I don’t blog much any more; I hate to be a whiner. More important, I hate to be boring. And I’m too tired to get into a long discourse about the things I’m too tired to do.

This is my life: Most days, I turn on the computer and slide right into answering emails, managing my burgeoning MCS group, reading blogs, and talking on the phone with my friend and co-conspirator. Other folks call, stuff happens and suddenly it’s naptime. Or Ellen time. Or both. And the rest of my day is shot. It’s nothing but one TV show or movie after another, while I vaguely try to do some computer work during commercials. [I'm redesigning a friend's web site and my older son's site, as well as setting up a new site for my miniscule typing/editing business PLUS trying to drum up traffic for my health site.]

No wonder I’m tired.

Look, it’s just the way I am. I can’t focus on one thing for more than a few minutes, so I finally gave in and let myself jump around as much as I want. And it seems to be working. I seem to be getting a lot more done these days than I did when I tried to force myself to stick to one thing until it was finished. Nothing ever got finished and I hated myself for it. Now I see all these various projects as works in progress. Nothing’s finished yet but I feel productive at last. Tired, but productive.

I’m going to be tired anyway, so what the hell.