Fear of solitude

In many other cultures, solitude is considered something to be desired, not feared. Monks are admired and even supported by their community for doing the hard spiritual work for everyone. Hermits are not suspect, like here. They have a long, remarkable history.

I wonder why we are so afraid to be alone? I skirt the edges of solitude all the time, longing for it, trying to arrange it, complaining that I can’t have it–yet, when I do get some precious hours or even days to myself, I don’t know what to do. Or rather, I know what to do, I just don’t do it: yoga, meditation, writing. Simple stuff, really.

I’ve been accused of being a hermit more than once, as though there’s something terrible about wanting to be alone, but I’m not. I like to live with people around. I’ve always lived in big cities–although New York and L.A. were a bit overwhelming, I liked retreating to my quiet apartment and knowing that lots of life was bustling outside just waiting for me to join it whenever I wanted.

I dream of living in a mountain cabin or on a tropical island away from it all but frankly, I’m too lazy. I like the convenience of a supermarket across the street and a library a few blocks away, with a bus line straight to anything I need within a short walk. I even like the crowded conditions in this small apartment, now that Robby’s back in school during the day and our disabled roommate is taking college classes twice a week. That’s almost enough alone time for me. Almost. I feel comforted hearing the TV in the living room, knowing Rhonda’s watching her soaps while I peck at the keyboard or meditate. In the evening, I enjoy surfing the web while Robby does the same at his desk on the other side of the room. We share the jokes and surprising information that we find but we also sit quietly, alone together.

Of course, you’re never alone when you’re on the web. People who aren’t addicted like you and me don’t understand that. There’s always another blog to discover, always another person to connect with.

There’s nothing lonely about that.