Bornfamous

10/20/2003 9:36 AM

So I’m trying to figure out which voice to listen to–the one that says, “Do this,” or the one that says, “Don’t.” I’m going a little crazy here. I get in these ridiculous little arguments with myself about which one to listen to, which makes yet a THIRD voice in my head. [Not really. Don't worry, I know it's all me in here--me, myself and I--and the voices aren't telling me to kill anyone, okay?] So anyway, I came to the conclusion that since I’ve been listening to the Don’t voice for most of my life, maybe I should try the Do one and see what happens.

Of course, the Do voice is telling me to do all the things I don’t want to do, see? There’s the problem. But it certainly answers the question of which voice has my best interests at heart. If I don’t want to do something, I probably should just go ahead and do it because most things I don’t want to do are things that would be good for me. For the most part. I know that sometimes I’m doing the right thing by listening to the Don’t voice too–like when I don’t want to take a long bus ride taking Rhonda on one of her jaunts that are just too much for both of us, or when I don’t want to go out looking for a job that I know will wind up making me sick from fragrance/chemicals–

Do you see where this gets confusing? When am I taking care of myself and when am I just being lazy?

269 words, 2231 to go

Like now: I’m wiped out after a fairly intense yoga session. [That makes three days in a row--yay!] I feel wonderful, but I also have a strong desire to take a nap. Should I listen to the voice that says, “Just lie down for a little while”? I know I’d fall asleep and lose a couple of hours. Then thre’s another voice that says, “I’m hungry. Let’s have breakfast.” But what about the 2500 words? Shouldn’t I finish this before I do anything else?

And what about the typing project that I should have finished a week or two ago? I really should be working on that, and frankly, there’s no question which of these should come first. My friend’s dad wrote a book about his experiences in the Korean War and sent me several chapters to type up for him. He’s terminally ill, for Christ’s sake, and I’m sitting on the manuscript because frankly, I’m just not into the story. He’s not a horrible writer, but I really want to rewrite the whole thing for him. On the other hand, I’m wishing I’d never agreed to do this, even though I really need the money. So what should I do: finish typing the book, then edit it and help him get it published, all for the ridiculous price of $1.50 per page, which I TOLD HIM I WOULD DO IT FOR; or call him, apologize and say that I can’t do it after all; or finish these chapters, THEN call and say I won’t be able to do the rest of the book?

It’s true, I don’t seem to have the energy for it, and I certainly won’t once NaNoWriMo starts, but I made him a promise. I don’t want to let him down but that’s exactly what I’m doing by sitting on this and leaving him hanging for weeks.

And then there’s the question of NaNoWriMo. I’ve publicly committed to doing it, but now I’m feeling like I’d rather work on just doing these 2500 words a day, yoga and getting my life in order. There is sooo much that needs to be done: decluttering this place, taking care of pressing business such as overdue taxes and a mountain of debt, getting some money coming in, dealing with my disability claim, and the list goes on and on. It’s all so overwhelming that I’ve basically been ignoring most of it for years, which of course makes everything worse. So what business do I have signing up to spend a month writing a fucking BOOK?

700 words, 2300 to go

Sometimes the voice that says “Don’t” is the one I should listen to. I committed on the blog to do NaNoWriMo, but I can take that back just like I can take the typing commitment back. I mean, we both know which commitment is more important, don’t we? The man just wants to get his book published before he dies, for God’s sake. I can help him do that, can’t I?

Okay, one decision down, a hundred or two to go…

Right now: breakfast. See ya.