Bornfamous

There was a hit song when I was a girl that was played over and over on the radio until I couldn’t stand it any more. And still it played on:

When I was just a little girl,

“What will I be?”

I hear Doris Day’s voice when I try to tell you about the day I asked my own mother what she wanted me to be. I was eleven and not prepared for the answer.

“Oh, LaVonne,” she said, eyes misting over, “I would love it if you became a writer. You’re such a good writer.”

I recoiled in horrer.

“Are you kidding? Do you know how much work that is?”

Even then I knew, you see. Writing has always been hard work for me, and I don’t like work. I will do anything to avoid writing. I created an entire, 22-year radio career specifically to avoid writing. I even chose to have a baby 14 years ago rather than write this book, and in the process got enough material for another book.

See? It won’t leave me alone.

There are stories in me that need to come out, and they won’t let me rest until they do. I’ve tried to write them many times and always quit in frustration because what came out was not what I wanted to say. That’s what has always been so hard about writing - I can’t control it. It says what it wants to say and gives me a big raspberry. Nyah, nyah, you can’t make me, it singsongs. Rather than lose control, I close up shop until they start eating at me again, these stories that must be told.

Natalie Goldberg says, “Creativity is losing control.” So I give up. What the hell. I’m going to write this damn book if it kills me. That’s why I started Bornfamous last December, after I told one of my stories to a friend and it touched her deeply. She said, “LaVonne, you have to write a book. This is a book.” I didn’t believe her at the time, I thought it was just a story but she was right. This is the book I’ve been wanting and needing to write all my life. If it wants to turn into something other than what I see in my head, I will let it. I give up trying to control it.

I plan to break a few of the rules of Nanowrimo because I chose to join it as a means to a particular end - the writing of this particular book. Just so you know, here are the rules I’m going to break:

1] It’s supposed to be a novel, ergo fiction. My book will be a memoir. Call it an autobiographical novel if you like.

2] Start with a new idea. See above

3] No prewritten chapters. I will start again with stories already written, along with new material, to create something new and different. So, if you browse around, you may stumble on a chapter or several. I’m not cheating or plagiarizing myself but doing what artists have always done: taking something old and making something new.

Once I begin, I will remove all non-book entries from the home page. Starting tomorrow, you will see only the latest chapter posted. The chapter link list will be on the right.

I’ve decided to turn off comments for the duration. Not that I don’t want to hear from readers - I do, a bit too much, frankly. I decided that my fragile creative state would be too distracted and influenced by outside thoughts at this point. Please don’t email me about the book either. I need to create a safe, quiet zone around myself so I can stay focused on memory.

It’s scary to do it this way, naked in public, but I feel compelled. I worry that you will be bored or annoyed or disgusted with me, that you will criticize my life and not my writing - or worse, that you will criticize my writing. I’m going to have to learn to live with criticism eventually, but not now.

This is the big moment. Preparing for this, I have already begun living the purposeful life of a writer, a life I have dreamed of - and feared - since my mother said to my horrified young self, “You’re such a good writer.”

Yes. I am.